Terri Radcliffe Hunziker
My Bump in the Road
Current Update
Thursday July 14th, 2011
I know that I said that I plan to stop making entries but I had to mention this because it meant a great deal to me. A girl I know was with Terri's oncologist over the weekend and the two talked about Terri and me. He told her that in his field you become familiar with thousands of people and their lives. You cannot remember them all. He told my friend that he will NEVER forget us. He said that we really got to him. There is no better example of the impact Terri had on the people around her. She did this to everyone she ever encountered.
Mike
Saturday July 9th, 2011
I was at the Key Peninsula Fair tonight and I ran into Debbie. We started talking about this website and I explained to her that I had decided to stop writing and that is why there was not an entry for the 4th. It also explains why I did not make an entry on June 9th, my anniversary. It is my belief that most people are not visiting the website as they once were. I know that Terri would want everyone to move on with their lives. She did not want people to grieve forever, especially Brae and Bryson. With that said, Debbie commented on how the website helped here catch up with Terri and her life during the years she was not in contact with her. She liked reading the stories about Terri and I thought that was cool. I knew my wife quite well, I think better than anyone on the planet and I know with absolute certainty that she did not want her death to continue on and on via a website. She knew that she would always be remembered by those who loved her and that was all she wanted. There comes a time when our loved ones need to be put to rest. For those who do not believe in an afterlife of any kind, this must all seem ridiculous at worst and perhaps a way to just make the rest of us feel better at best. For those who believe in a further existence with a supreme being, then Terri is in a better place, heaven for most who frequent this website, and what could possibly be better than that? Back here with us? I don't think so. None of us need worry then. We should be thrilled for her that she is there and not still here. Well, easier said then done for human beings. We miss the people we love and we all miss Terri... and always will. Still, if she were here right now, I know she would be saying, "Enough with the website, it has served its purpose." I can hear her saying that to me right now as I type this this! OK Terri, I hear you, but one last little entry, and I was reminded of this tonight when talking with Debbie. It reminded me about all of us... you, me, Debbie, Maggie, Steph, Jon, Stan, the whole crew. Camp was cool... so cool. Of course, it was most cool for us as we got a wonderful marriage out of the deal. But we solidified and/or developed some key friendships during those years at Camp Easter Seal. Jon is my best friend in the world and through him I know Shannon, a most incredible human being. Bryson asks me weekly when he will get to see Steph again. I only get my coffee in Key Center when Maggie is working because I think she is so wonderful. I lit up tonight seeing Debbie for the first time in years. I ran into Stan a few months back and it was like old times. And of course, I married the Lakebay Queen. Camp Easter Seal... it says it all. I remember one form of night time therapy. Camp came with a bit of stress but I knew how to relieve it. After the campers were in bed, and before Terri and I would head out to the nature trail ;-) I would sometimes spend time with Debbie, Steph, and Terri. These three would laugh and laugh and laugh and LAUGH!! Not sure what was so funny, I wondered if it had something to do with me, but it was FUN! Terri had the most rip roaring infectious laugh when she really cut loose... Deb would get rolling... and then Steph... and before long it became a full blown laugh fest and the stress of the day would simply wash away. Those were good times and now, when I think of Terri, I simply think of my entire experience with her as GOOD TIMES! Hopefully, the rest of you do, as well.
Mike
Sunday Mother's Day May 8th, 2011
I realize just how wonderful of a mother Terri was. She ALWAYS put her kids first and that is what made her such an incredible parent. I want to commend the wonderful mothers out there who do the same. Mothers like Amy, Ellen, Diane, Mary, Julie, Colleen, Katie, Melisa, Kim, Annie, Phyllis, Lynn, Allison, Traci, Angie, Theresa, Mary Kay and so many, many more. There are just too many to name here. Of course, the ONE who really comes to mind, the best in the world... my mom. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in the world who put their kids first in their lives.
Mike
Tuesday February 22nd, 2011
Something kind of emotional happened at my house today. A young man arrived at my house to provide a service. I'm doing some maintenance on my house and property. We were talking about various things and then he said, I think my 9th grade health teacher lives here. I said Mrs. Hunziker? He said yes, at Marcus Whitman JHS, and before I could get another word in he told me that he had told his friend that he thought he was going to work at Mrs. Hunziker's house today. My name was on the work order. I could tell he was kind of excited to know that she lived in this house. I think he was hoping to see her. I broke the news to him and the look on his face was very telling. He wanted to know how she died and I gave him a brief description about her five years with the disease. He went on to tell me how cool she was and how he and his friend really liked her. He was quite after we talked about her. It seemed like he was hurt by the news. He commented about how young she was. I thought about him after he left. He knew that he was going to Mike Hunziker's house. Hunziker being a fairly rare name around here and he probably figured that I was Terri's husband. He was probably kind of excited about possibly seeing her and letting her see him and how he had turned out, etc. I could tell that he really liked her as a teacher. Then he discovered that she had died. His health teacher, a woman as healthy as could be, full of vigor and love of life, had died, of cancer. He wasn't going to see her today and she wasn't going to see him. She had died.
Mike
Monday February 14th, 2011
It has been 27 years since she said YES! For many reasons, this was a day of very mixed emotions for me.
Mike
Saturday December 25th, 2010
This was my third Christmas without Terri. I really enjoyed my time with the boys this morning. It was so fun to watch them and know that Terri would have loved it, as well. I spent time at the cemetery, also. Otherwise, the past two days have been difficult. Tomorrow is Terri's birthday. Her birthday was always my favorite day of the year.
Mike
Sunday December 12th, 2010
It has been a while. It is that time of the year once again. Terri time. She loved the Holidays. Both of our boys have birthdays in December. Terri's birthday is the day after Christmas. Her sister and mother both have birthdays in December. My best friend, Jon, shares a birthday with my oldest boy. It is just a festive time of the year. This will be my third season without her. What I want to focus on this season is the birth of Christ and my boys. Of course, as we build gingerbread houses, trim trees, decorate our home, visit the big city, and spend time with our family and friends I will think of Terri often. I am blessed to have so many wonderful memories. My kids and those memories are the greatest "presents" of all.
I want to mention how special Jon and Shannon are and what they mean to me. They are my anchor. They have just been there for me the entire way. They loved Terri and know just how much I loved her, as well. They are the glue that connects me to my past, helps me focus in the present and move forward into the future. Witnessing this has been very comforting for Brae and Bryson. They love Jon and Shannon very much. They are always in favor of having them over or going over to their house (except Bryson if the reason is to watch a football, basketball, or baseball game). We try and get together for dinner as often as we can and the boys are always disappointed if something keeps that from happening. Everyone should be blessed to have such people in their lives. I think Terri knew that Jon and Shannon would do exactly what they have done. Just always be there.
I still dream of Terri and hopefully always will. Just recently Terri came to me in a dream. No words were exchanged. Her hair was styled as she wore it when we were in Norway, rather short and blondish. She was wearing a simple white blouse. She walked up to me with a smile on her face and just hugged me. I woke up. It was wonderful.
Bryson gets frustrated when his brother doesn't play with him. If I am busy and Brae is on his X-Box, for example, Bryson struggles to find something to do. We do not have TV and I think that is a good thing. So, without me, Brae, and a TV, Bryson is forced to find something to do. I've been trying to help him with that. So, yesterday I was explaining to the little man that when Brae was his age, Bryson was only two. I told him that Brae had to find things to do all by himself. Then I told him that he did not have a brother old enough to play with. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, Yes, but he had mom!" Whoa. Those were powerful words. Brae had mom and he does not. How in the world do I rectify that?
Mike
Wednesday August 16th, 2010
The boys and I were sitting in church last Sunday. Bryson handed me a collection envelope. On it, he had written the following: I love you mom. I wish you kood com bak.
Sunday July 4th, 2010
It has been two years, as everyone knows, and I have a great deal on my chest that I need to unload... unload in the form of apologies. I do not want any return email. I do not want to hear about how I should not be so hard on myself... how expected my behavior has been... how everyone understands... etc. I'm not looking for that and I do not want that.
First, I would like to apologize to Terri's family. My behavior has been reprehensible. I have behaved as though Terri meant more to me than she did to anyone else and such behavior is inexcusable.
Losing a sister is very difficult, especially when you are very close and Terri and Traci were very close. I know that Traci relied on Terri for support. To have that rug pulled out from under you is a horrible thing. Somehow I had forgotten that Traci has had some tough times the last few years herself. Terri was always there for her until July 4th, 2008. Traci loved Terri every bit as much as I did and her pain was just as real as mine. I am sorry for not behaving as though I understood that.
Losing a child is the worst suffering of all. I know because I watched my mom and dad go through this with the death of my brother a year before Terri died. The pain for Phil and Lynn is immeasurable. Somehow I had forgotten that Phil and Lynn have had some tough times the last few years themselves. In addition to Terri's death they have suffered through a horrible injury; lost parents, a brother, and a sister-in-law. Watching Terri decline, especially the last two months of her life must have been pure hell. Not only have they been grieving the last two years, they have been burdened with my requests. This is deplorable. I am very sorry for this.
My mom, dad, and sisters have suffered because of my selfish behavior, also. Somehow I had forgotten that they have had some tough times the last few years themselves. They have suffered through a horrible injury to a family member and lost a brother/son to cancer. For what ever reason, my family has always relied on me to be strong during tough times. For them to watch me deteriorate into what I have become disgusts me. In many ways they have lost two brothers/sons.
Jon has lost the friend he once knew. Jon will always be there for me, I know that. I've not really been there for him. Jon really loved Terri. The three of us were inseparable for a few years there. We did so much together. Somehow I had forgotten that Jon has had some tough times the last few years himself. He suffered through a severe injury to his closest friend and the death of Terri. Shannon and Steph deserve apologies from me, as well. I know how close they were to Terri.
Everything Terri was to me, she was to all these people, as well. Somehow I have forgotten that. I am not the only one who has lost a spouse. Just ask Phyllis, Lorraine, Bill, Julie, or millions more. In my self-absorption I have behaved as though I am the only one suffering. How pitiful and how un-Terri like. I speak, with pride, of how Terri made the people around her better and somehow I have failed to allow her to do the same to me. I tell people about how selfless she was and how much I admired that in her. Then, I turn around and behave in such a selfish manner... how hypocritical. She would be very disappointed in me and that makes me very disappointed in me.
I am very thankful to everyone who has helped my family the past two years. We could not have gotten through this without you. I have burdened people at times with my needs and I hope to refrain from this in the future. I would like to give a special thanks to Jon. He just sticks with me through thick and thin. Even when there is nothing left to say, he just sticks with me. I would also like to thank Angie and Tane. You and your family have been so good to us. Angie, you remind me so much of Terri and I think that is why I like being around you. I always feel better when I am around you. Tane, I know that things have not always been perfect for you and yet, over the years, you have continued to improve as both a man of God and a father to your girls. I really respect that, especially now as I try to be a good dad to my boys when it is, at times, hard for me to do so.
With all this said, and especially on this day, I would like myself to focus on some of the things people have written to me since Terri's death. With some luck, grace from God, and focused effort on my part, perhaps some of these words will finally sink in to my thick, selfish skull.
From Melita : Terri was amazing and a huge inspiration to me. We met through the internet and liaised various times about this terrible thing called lung cancer. My journey has just begun and I hope that I have the resilience, the fight and the love in me that Terri exuded during every day of her journey.
From Jill: Terri was a continuous source of support to me throughout my mom's illness. I will be forever grateful to her. Terri had tried to contact my mom through e-mail when things were not going well. She wanted to give her hope that things would turn around. She was so generous in spirit...always giving to others who needed hope even when she was going through her own obstacles. Unfortunately, Mom never got to know Terri in this world but I am sure they will meet in the heaven.
From Monica: I will remember her forever as one of the spunkiest, kindest, most lovely people I know. She had a heart of gold and was always willing to give of it.
From Tom: I surely do not have to tell you what a wonderful and compassionate spirit Terri encased. So sad, so unfair. She was such an integral part of my survival to date. Note - Tom died shortly after Terri's death.
I am determined to make the 4th a good one for Brae and Bryson. I still love you Terri and so do the boys. I love my boys immensely and, although I fall short at times, I am trying to be the best dad I can be. With all this off my chest I will try to move on.
Mike
Sunday May 31st, 2010
On this Memorial Day I cannot think of anything better to post than this email I received from a woman in New Jersey about a week ago. After Terri's death I received numerous emails of this nature. Terri truly had an impact on many, many people. This email really moved me... probably because it came to me nearly two years after Terri's death...
Hi,
I am a mother/paramedic with five kids. I still visit your wife's website every once in a while. Mainly, to see how you and your kids are doing. I found the website through the lungevity foundation. I was friends with a woman named Heather Saler. Heather died and I wanted to make a donation. That's how I found out about your wife.
I thought your wife's fight alone was courageous. I was checking back often.....pulling for her. When she passed I was upset. I took steps and quit smoking and played with my kids more. I stopped worrying about the little things so much. As a paramedic, I treated patients with a little more sympathy and I held their hands. I learned to run....expanding my lungs, happy that I could. I was happy that I could do all these things.....because there are others who wanted to, but no longer could. Your wife inspired me to not take advantage of my life. I wish I could thank her.
I hope one day your pain dulls and you can be happier than you seem to be right now. I am very sorry for your loss.
Robin Wahl
Sunday May 9th, 2010
It's Mother's day. The boys are keenly aware of that. This will be their second one without Terri. Yesterday morning Bryson came to me and told me that he wrote a song like mommy did and asked if I wanted to read it. I asked him to read it to me. His few words rocked me. In his few words he said so very much. His few words may rock you a bit, as well.
End of Sadness
When you start it out as a beginning
It is sad like you never felt it should be
The beginning, it’s sad when you were a kid.
You felt the sadness end, the sadness in this house
I wish you could love me like my friend again
I know you still do.
By: Bryson Hunziker
I asked him who he wished could love him like a friend again. I was worried it was me, or perhaps Brae. He said mommy. I told him that mommy still loves him just like she always did and he said that he knew that. Still, in the mind of a seven year old, love is rather abstract. What he knows is that he lost a great friend, at the time of her death, his best friend. He doesn't miss her "love" so much... he misses her friendship. So, like Brae and me, Bryson lost his best friend. Two years later, the day before Mother's Day, this loss was on his little mind.
Tuesday May 4th, 2010
I went to Cannon Beach alone for a weekend this past month. It was quite a surreal experience. I laughed and I cried. It was like I was driving around, walking around, running around looking for Terri... of course knowing the entire time that she was nowhere to be found. Cannon Beach was a very special place for Terri and me. We went there dozens of times in our 27 years together. I've watched the midnight sun attempt to set over the Lofoten Islands with Terri, strolled the beaches of Barbados with Terri, walked the windswept grassy fields of Whales with Chip, drove a VW bus across Nova Scotia with Terri, ate lunch on a sunny afternoon on Santorini with Terri, hiked the Swiss Alps with Terri, attended mass at Stephansdom Cathedral in Vienna with Terri, scuba dived Molokini with Terri, walked through the rainforest of Dominica with Terri, shared morning coffee in Riquewihr and afternoon tea in Stow on the Wold with Terri, rode a bobsled down the Olympic run in Innsbruck with Terri and the list goes on and on and on. Still, aside from Stavanger, Norway and Lakebay, Wa., Cannon Beach stirs me like no other. Two weeks prior to my solo run to CB I had gone down there with Jon, Shannon, and the boys. I know that CB reminds Brae of his mom, as well. I know that Brae's memories of his mom are all good. Likewise with Bryson. That is a true blessing. In the minds of my two boys, whom inside their eyes I can see their mom, are nothing but sweet, sweet memories of Terri. I love that fact. It helps me out a great deal. What a testimonial... leaving this world knowing that everyone loved you. How many people can pull that off? I still love you Chip. Thank you so much for making a life with me. How I miss you girl!!
God, continue to bless Lorraine and her family, Bill and his family, and Julie and her family.
Mike
Sunday, April 4th, 2010
My second Easter without Terri. Twenty one months without a hug, a kiss, a smile, her hand, her love, her friendship... even the look. I hope the boys are doing fine. I think they are. I know that I am not. By now I would expect everyone to have stopped visiting this site. I'm not sure why I decided to write. I do not talk about Terri to anyone anymore. I can't really. I talk to her every night. I talk, she listens. I hope she does. I am very lonely with out her.
God bless Lorraine, Bill, and Julie. I know what they are going through.
Mike
Friday, December 4th, 2009
I once wanted to talk about all the people Terri loved and why she loved them. I once wanted to tell all these amazing stories about our romantic adventures together. Now, I just can't talk about any of this to anybody. I watch the old videos of us together, but I do it alone. I talk to Terri, but I do it alone.
I will say that Chip loved this time of the year. Christmas, her birthday, our kid's birthdays, her mom's birthday, her sister's birthday, our best friend's birthday. She just loved it. All memories now. Thank you everyone for taking this journey with me. Now I go at it alone moving forward with all the memories. I will remain focused on being a father to Brae and Bryson. I will make every effort to keep their mom real and alive in their hearts while at the same time helping each of them make their own individual mark in the world, just like their wonderful mother did. That's what I need to do and that's what Terri would want me to do. Here's the thing... I've always been IN LOVE with Terri, even before she was IN LOVE with me. I'm still IN LOVE with Terri. Being IN LOVE with someone is different then loving someone. She is not here and I'm still IN LOVE with her. It's just hard. I love you all.
Mike
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
Nothing is the same without Terri and I just cannot seem to adjust. She comes to me in dreams at times and they seem so real. I'm always upset when I wake up. Doing my best with the boys and I hope and pray that they are OK. I think they are. They are a blessing to me.
God Bless Kevin, Julie, Jackie, and Kenny.
Mike
Sunday, October 4th, 2009
Brae has returned to soccer and is enjoying it. He is playing recreation rather than select. He says he might return to select next year. Soccer seems to be fun for him at this level of play. I plan to have Bryson start karate soon. I may have him give piano another try, as well. Both boys continue to deal with this loss in different ways. I am doing my best to help them with life without mom while at the same time helping them focus their attention forward and not backwards. It is, at times, a tight rope walk.
God Bless Kevin, Julie, Jackie, and Kenny.
Mike
Friday, September 4th, 2009
Brae and Bryson continue to talk about mom and that is a good thing I hope. I sure love the two little guys. I continue to be very thankful for all the support. I've been strengthened by my hero in Yakima... thank you Kevin!
Mike
Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
I had the boys in Norway most of July. Brae saw where he was born. I think they both had fun.
Mike
Saturday, July 4th, 2009
The boys are acutely aware of today's significance. Still, it is the 4th and Independence Day has always been big in our family. Like Terri, Brae claims it is his favorite holiday after Christmas. I think Bryson feels the same, however, he would probably squeeze his birthday between the two. I feel the day will go well for both of them. I am very proud of both of them.
While putting Bryson to bed tonight after midnight (we were on the beach with friends until then), he asked me how mommy died. He has asked that before. I told him that she died a year ago. He said, "I know, at three in the morning." I explained, the best I could, how that entire night evolved and how mommy's lungs just could not do what they needed to do to keep her heart pumping. Brae was listening from his bedroom. Afterwards, they fell fast asleep.
I am working on this after midnight and it is a strange feeling knowing that one year ago I was awake with Terri and she was struggling. It would be in just a very short time that I would be waking my own mom, staying at our place for a few days, knowing that something was different about how Terri was responding to me. I would be on the phone with the the hospice nurse several times and I would call Lynn, Terri's mom, and ask her to come up. I feared the worst. The hospice nurse would make the drive from Tacoma. Within three yours, Terri would take her last breath cradled in my arms.
Those of you who continue to read this have probably visited on this occasion wondering what I would say exactly one year after Terri's death. I don't know what to say. I still miss her desperately and I am not saying that to get any sympathy. I sense, from those around me, that it is time for me to move on. Everyone knows that I loved her, knows that I miss her and wish she could come back. Truth be told, I'm aware that listening to my whining is getting old. I suppose, in the past year, these entries have been therapy for me and I appreciate everyone's support. I've told the stories because they make me feel better. That seems kind of selfish to me now. I've asked people if they want to watch old videos of Terri and me traveling. That's because they make me feel better. That seems very selfish of me now. I know that I am different. I'm less social than I was two years ago when Terri was still fully with me. I'm even less social then I was a year ago when Terri passed away. The only person I really feel comfortable talking to anymore, about Terri being gone, is myself. I am so self absorbed in my loss. That is pure selfishness, as well. Terri would not want me to be self absorbed, feeling sorry for myself. I know that but I just cannot seem to feel normal without her. So, in a way, I feel Terri's disappointment, as well.
I apologize for the brooding... Look... I absolutely adore my kids. I love my parents, my sisters, my adopted brother and sister, and my extended family on both sides. I love my very close friends and the some what more distant ones from my past. I love my students, the Key Peninsula Middle School community, the Lighthouse Christian School community, and the Nature's Child Montessori School community. I even loved another girl once. Still, the one person I have loved more intensely in a real and tangible way, for the longest period of time, is Terri Radcliffe. She has been gone for one year and I still love her intensely and in a tangible way. People ask me if I can sense her presence, see her in my kids, feel her love...? Yes, of course I can, but not like I could when she would kiss me, hug me, talk to me, hold my hand, have coffee with me, travel with me, sleep with me, wake up with me, raise kids with me, be there for me, cry with me,... or even like I could when she was still taking her last few breaths in my arms just before 3:08 AM, July 4th, 2008. Again, I apologize, it's just how I feel. I'm sure you expected more. I just seem to be closing up more and more all the time. Terri, I still love you. I will be thinking of you all day. I apologize to you, as well. Today will be a good day for the kids, I assure you.
Mike
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
I married Terri Radcliffe 25 years ago today. This will be the first anniversary I've had in the past quarter century that I will spend without my bride. I don't even know what to say. I just feel lonely. I love you Terri... even more than I did on June 9th, 1984.
Mike
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
Tonight it is just Bryson and me. Brae went on a school trip to Portland. Bryson and I watched a movie. He just loved it. He laid next to me with an arm across my chest during most of the movie. He seemed to really like having a parent all to himself. It made me realize just how much he misses his mom. Hopefully he is not as aware of how much he misses her as I am. I know he needs her and it is frustrating to not be able to replace her. I feel in the same way for Brae. He too needs his mom and you just cannot milk that out of your dad no matter how hard you wish you could.
About 20 years ago Terri and I spent a wonderful day on a beautiful beach on the island of Barbados. I remember walking down the street and there were dozens of local merchants selling their wares and services. Terri was in her bikini (I always liked that) and I was shirtless in a swimming suit and sandals. I remember these moments like they happened last week. We shopped a bit. I think I bought some sort of woven leather bracelet. I remember feeling like some beach bum dude. You know, Terri was really hot... I hope she doesn't mind me saying that. I was about 32 and she was still well back in her twenties. I loved her so much. I remember that. We finally decided to just spend the entire afternoon on the beach. I have two vivid memories of that afternoon. The first is spending time with a local who made a hat for me out of grass. I still have that hat. He made Terri a grass bowl. As usual he and Terri hit it off. It was great fun talking with him about the island. Again, regardless of where we were or regardless of whom we were with, Terri would make new friends and I would benefit just being in her wake. The other VIVID memory I have of that afternoon was walking back from a beach side vendor with two Banks beers in my hands; one for Terri and one for me. I no longer drink beer, however, I remember those Banks beers and the beautiful sun goddess, laying on the beach, who shared them with me. I remember pausing on the way back and spending a moment to just take her all in. She was so beautiful. I little side bar here... When I was in the hospital at Harborview being treated for my big burn I had to endure daily wound treatment, pure hell on earth. A psychologist taught me how to retreat to pleasant times in my life during the excruciating pain. All in my mind, of course. There were only a very few places I could retreat to that would actually give me some reprieve. One was when I was two - three years old on the beach at Ocean Lake (now Lincoln City) with my mom. Another was on the beach on Barbados with Chip. When I see her there in my mind's eye now it still gives me goose bumps. Man I loved that woman... and still do.
Terri loved her mom and I believe always admired her good qualities. When individuals are in crisis in there lives they turn to the people they love. Often, for adults, this person is a spouse. For children it is a parent and usually the parent of choice is mom. When an adult is under extreme stress and the cause of that stress is a spouse, adults will often revert back to seeking comfort from a mother. I know this first hand myself. I saw my brother turn to my mother when he was dying of cancer. It was very important that my mom, and dad, took a very active role in my recovery. It was equally important for Terri that her mom was there for her when I was so badly burned. Terri loved her mom for this very much. I'm sure Lynn knew this. Terri, however, being a Radcliffe, probably did not tell her as much as she would have liked to. I'm sure she is OK with me telling Lynn that now. During Terri's pregnancy with Bryson she was under some unique stress and her mom was there for her. During Terri's own suffering she relied heavily on her mom and knew she could always count on her. I think Terri was fully aware of her mom's presence when she died and was comforted by that. Terri loved her mom for many, many reasons, believe me, but what she probably loved most of all was the fact that her mom was ALWAYS there for her when needed. The true testimony to this is the fact that Terri always wanted to be there for her two boys, just as Lynn was to her. The apple never falls too far from the tree.
It has been nearly a year now and here I sit at Terri's desk still loving her, wanting her, wondering why she is gone, what I could have done, and where I go from here.
Mike
Sunday, May 10th, 2009
Happy Mother's Day sweetie. I love you very much and so do the boys. As you know, I watched the birth of Brae this morning on video. It was hard but brought back many fond memories. You will be on my mind all day.
Mike
Monday, May 4th, 2009
I lay with Bryson every night when he goes to bed. We have a routine. I scratch his back while we listen to Angel In Your Heart. I usually talk about mommy. I tell him stories or ask him about his memories of her. A few nights back I told him about an evening I remember just a short time before she died. I told him that I remembered mommy sleeping on the couch... Bryson was sensing that mommy was not doing well at the time... Bryson walked up to the couch and nestled himself as close as he could to her and fell asleep himself. It was so cute and at the same time just broke your heart. Of course, I just had to take a photo. Bryson said, I remember that night dad... he was quite excited when he said it... he has an incredible memory. Anyways, he said I remember that night... the flash from your camera woke me up! We then talked about mom for awhile afterwards.
Last Friday night I was driving Brae home from a school function. Lighthouse had a cool activity for all middle school kids. From 8-11PM the kids were able to partake in group activities, play some sports, eat snacks, and just be together in a fun way. He had a blast and was still excited when I picked him up. He began telling me about some of the evening's games and activities. It sounded terrific to me. Then there was a period of noticeable silence. It was as if he was remembering something. He broke the silence by telling me how much he loved coming home late at night after doing something really fun, like that night, or a Mariners game, or something like that. He went on to tell me how he couldn't wait to run upstairs and wake up mom to tell her that he was home. He said she would always wake right up and ask him how the night went. He would lay their with her and tell her all about it. He said she would always be so excited and want to hear all about it. His eyes welled up, as mine are now just typing this. He cried all the way home. We talked about mom and how she had that ability to really make you feel that your words were significant and important. She just loved people, especially her boys. Bryson was at grandmas so Brae and I had plenty of time to talk. He went to bed thinking about mom and actually dreamt about her that night.
I love dreaming about Terri. I wish I would every night, all night long. I recently saw her in a dream. She was on the other side of a thick glass wall. I looked to the right and the wall extended as far as I could see. I next looked left and again, the wall continued on forever. I somehow realized the wall was impenetrable. She could read my lips when I told her that I still loved her. I could read her lips when she said the same to me. It was so wonderful. Still, it was difficult, as well. I could see her and I could communicate with her but I could not touch her, smell her hair, hear her voice, hug her, or kiss her. I woke up and I could see her in my mind and I could communicate with her but I could not touch her, smell her hair, hear her voice, hug her, or kiss her. My dreams and my reality seem to be one.
Each month I would like to write briefly about one the people Terri was closest to. Terri had a special relationship with her dad. She was very proud to be his daughter. Countless times, either when Terri was introduced to someone or when she was introducing herself, it would become known that she was Phil Dirt's daughter, a Radcliffe. You could just see her get this very proud look on her face. She knew how people on the peninsula felt about her dad and she relished in it. She probably never told him this, at least in words. I want him to know it now. She admired his ability to get along with everyone. She was impressed with his people skills. She loved the fact that he was so handy and could fix anything. She knew that she had inherited his incredible common sense. Terri saw herself as and extension of his personality. For me it was a joy to see them together. They would convey love toward each other without even saying a word. Over the last decade Terri felt that Phil had made conscious efforts to become an even better man. She very much respected him for the changes he had made in his life. She felt that he had become an even better father, a better husband, and what was really important to her, a better grandpa. Terri was absolutely frantic when she became aware of her dad's injury. We talked about it at night and I think she really believed he would survive. She just knew he would be there for her, Traci, Lynn, and the grandkids. Again, she was so impressed with his tenacity throughout his entire recovery. Terri knew how much her dad loved her. I will never forget the two of them parting when Terri and I flew off to Norway. It haunted me for a long, long, time. Fathers and daughters have a unique relationship. Dads keep their girls safe. In the end she did not want her death to hurt him but she knew it would. We talked about how hard her illness was on her dad. I know it has been very tough on him, far more difficult than his own horrific injury. She knew it would be, but she also knew that he would survive her death and continue being a great dad to Traci, husband to Lynn, son to Phyllis, and GRANGPA DIRT to seven adoring grandkids. Phil, Terri loved you very, very much. I know because she told me so.
And now... more down memory lane. Terri's favorite locality in Europe was the Cotswold region in Gloucestershire, England. She just loved it. Her favorite village in the Cotswolds was Stow-on-the-Wolds. Her favorite place to stay was The Pound on Sheep Street.
We checked in and Terri immediately hit it off with the owner of the B&D. I believe her name was Patricia. I know I sound like a broken record but, as you can already probably anticipate, Patricia adored Terri. The house was built about a half a millennium ago, seriously. The ceilings were low and the floors uneven. It was so cool. After showing us our sleeping quarters we sat in the living room area and chatted with Patricia for awhile. With Terri, I was always better able to socialize. I can really sense that now that she's gone. I've never been more uncomfortable around people then I've been the last nine months. She knew how to help me be my best. So, that night the three of us talked about America, England, teaching in Norway and her lovely Pound. She recommended a place to dine and invited us to morning breakfast.
Terri and I, once again hand in hand, (we did much of that on these romantic getaways while in Europe), walked through the village and window shopped. It seemed so "Old World". We wound up at a local pub in the market square. Relying on my usual protocol we walked up to the porter and asked him to pour a brew that best represented Stow-on-the-Wolds. A local overheard my requested and immediately interjected. He told us about a special beer, a stout if memory serves me right. We ordered up two and spent another hour or two eating and socializing with this gentleman and other locals. I remember sitting by the window and watching people walk by. I remember looking across the table at Terri's beautiful smile and hearing her infectious laugh. We walked some more that evening and returned to the pub one more time before heading back to The Pound.
The next morning we met another couple at breakfast. Here we are, a couple, of fifteen years or so, living in Norway and out on a little excursion to the mother country, if you will. Sitting across the table from us is another young couple. It was a nice surprise to discover they were Americans. Again, broken record time, Terri starts in. The two of them warm up to her immediately. Honestly, I can remember thinking about how easy it was for here to socialize with complete strangers. Soon we are chatting and laughing as if we were from the same home town... guess what? During the conversation we discover that one of them worked for an individual Terri knew. The conversation revved into high gear after that. Do you know this person or that person, etc.? This sort of thing happened when I was with Terri, all the time.
A year or two later friends of ours in Norway were bird watching someplace in rural Texas. They ran into a couple from Washington, also down to watch the birds... it's what bird watchers do! They struck up a conversation and teaching in Norway worked its way into the dialogue. The couple from Washington said that they had once met a couple who taught in Norway while visiting Stow-on-the-Wolds in England. That's right. The couple we met at The Pound and a couple we taught with in Stavanger Norway just happened to run into each other while bird watching in Texas.
I absolutely loved being with her. It is very difficult to be without her.
Mike
Saturday, April 4th, 2009
Another month has passed without Terri. I know what the experts say. Still, time does not seem to help me. Don’t worry; I’m not going to go on about how hard this is.
Brae is doing better I think. He continues to do well at school and with his soccer. He is trying very hard to be more patient with his little brother. Bryson enjoys his Montessori school and tells me he wants to attend Karate classes. I’m still focused on helping the two boys and being the best teacher I can be.
I am home alone tonight... just me and my thoughts. Brae and Bryson are sleeping over night at their cousin’s house. As promised, I will tell you about another magical time I once shared with Terri.
Bryson and I play this game together. We call it "This or That". I play it with Brae, as well. I will say jelly bean or gummy bear? He has to pick one. He may say Gummy bear. I then say Gummy Bear or bubble gum? He makes his choice. The game continues on. Before long I am giving him a choice like a week in Hawaii or Disneyland? Disneyland always wins. I've yet to find something that beats Disneyland. He then gives me choices. They too escalate. As you can imagine, he sometimes gives me some interesting choices. A few days back Bryson began giving me choices. Before long he was asking me to choose between Cannon Beach or Norway? Norway. Leavenworth or Norway? Norway. Santa Cruz or Norway? Norway. Hawaii or Norway? Norway. He stopped a bit frustrated. He could not come up with an option that could beat Norway with me. He then smiled and said out loud. "I know... Norway or mommy? Mommy. His smile was really big.
There is no country like Norway. Of all the countries Terri and I were fortunate enough to travel through Norway was the grandest. Norway is clean. Norway is safe. Norway is breathtakingly beautiful. During the three years Terri and I lived there we spent time in cities like Oslo, Bergen, and of course, Stavanger among others. We went up in the mountains. We saw the fjords. We experienced the midnight sun up in the Lofoten Islands. It was all so wonderful. Certainly, if I continue to write about our lifetime together, you will read more about this incredible country.
One weekend Terri and I decided to adventure south of Stavanger. We drove all the way to Kristiansand and spent an evening in the small town of Lillesand. Lillesand lies on the south eastern coast of the country. As I claim with all of these entries, I will never forget this night. We walked hand-in-hand through the town. I remember a small white church just up a gradual hill. We strolled past the church and many of the houses that surrounded it. Like most of Norway, all of the dwellings were neat as a pin. From a vantage point we looked down on the small harbor. I remember the orange sky and variety of vessels bobbing in the deep blue water. I said to Terri that I could live here the rest of my life. We walked back down to the water and just spent time with each other. I hope I made the most of that time. I look back at all of my time with Terri and fear now that I did not make the most of it. I would give anything, except my kids, to spend more time with her. We enjoyed a delicious dinner, unless you’re a vegetarian. We had reindeer, a first for both of us. Neither of us were big meat eaters but this was really tasty. As was always the case Terri made the evening fun for me and our waiter. I’m aware of the fact that a simple night in a small southern Norwegian town may not seem so special to all of you. It just was. It was special then and it remains special to me now. All I have left are those special times… at least the memories of those special times. If I had her with me right now… in my arms right now… it would instantly become my best moment with her.
Mike
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
Let me begin by saying that my two boys are doing reasonably well. Brae is beginning to experience some peace. He has had a difficult time with the death of his mother. They were very, very close. Remember, Brae had mom all to himself for six years prior to the birth of his little brother. Despite all the turmoil in his life, Brae was the student of the quarter in the 6th grade at his middle school last quarter. He earned straight A's and was the only boy in the 6th grade to earn high honors. What impressed me most was the fact he earned an "E"xcellent for effort and behavior in all of his classes. Bryson still listens to Angel In Your Heart every night. He almost knows the words by memory and it nearly melts my heart to hear him sing the song to himself at night. We look at Terri's photos on the wall. I do not want him to forget her. She was worried that he would forget a great deal about her over time so I try to keep her fresh in his mind as much as possible. Like his big brother, he is doing well in school.
I listen to a great deal of Margaritaville radio in my car. If Terri were here she would tell you that I am a big Jimmy Buffett fan. Terri and I saw Buffett together back in 1992. We both loved it. I've gone on to see him numerous times since. Each time I would go I would ask her to come along. She would always say the same thing... "I've already seen Buffett." I would remind her that he had recorded some new material since the last time she had seen him! Didn't matter, she'd been there and done that. Terri was very efficient. So, as always, Jon and I would go together and do our Parrothead thing. He's coming to Seattle this year and oh how I wish I could go through that whole routine with Terri again. Jimmy sings one song that always reminds me of her. It is called I Wish Lunch Could Last Forever.
About a dozen years ago or so, on a warm spring day, nearly this time of the year, Terri and I drove from our beautiful spot on the northern coast of Crete, around the eastern shoreline, to the south side of the island. We left in the early morning and we arrived in Ierapetra around lunch time. Like many of my moments in time with Chip this memory is rock solid in my mind. I hope they all remain rock solid. It was warm. We were in summer attire for a change and the sun was shining brightly. We were on the island for a week or so, down from Norway, I believe during spring break. I remember sitting on the bulkhead with the Mediterranean right at our feet. A variety of vessels bobbing in the turquoise water. Others, couples, families, locals and vacationers sitting in close proximity. Terri and I would always listen for foreign languages being spoken and try and figure out where the conversers were from. Sometimes we would just break down and ask. On this afternoon much was being spoken and much of that in a variety of languages. I apologize for the tangent. Let me get back on track. I remember this as if it were lunch today. I turned to Terri and said, "This really reminds me of that song Jimmy Buffett sings about lunch lasting forever." I commented on how I wished that this moment would last forever. It seemed perfect. Sun, an exotic location, Greek food, and a breathtaking woman. Whoa, Heaven on earth. I remember stating to her that it just could not get any better than this. Little did I know that it would. Later on we took a walk down the coast road at Keratokambos. I remember the breeze. Like the breathtaking surroundings she was so beautiful. Again, it just seemed so perfect. I found out even later what perfect truly was. PERFECT was and evening meal, with Terri, on the beach at sunset, in Matala on the southern coast. This ranks as one of my top five moments in life. Matala is just a village. A hippie throwback from the 60s really. It lies in a cove and is simply breathtaking. I can remember the orange, orange sky. I can remember the cat that built a friendship with Terri during dinner. I remember just as the sun was beginning to hide itself under the horizon a sailboat passed in front of it creating a most romantic silhouette. That very moment was pure magic and I will never forget it. When I was burned nearly to death in '97 I was completely on fire, prone on the ground, totally submissive to God. I had said my goodbyes to Terri and Brae and was ready for Him to take me. I remember dozens of images flashing through my mind in what seemed like a fraction of a second like a PowerPoint presentation on steroids. Despite the speed of this very pleasing presentation I distinctly remember this Matala slide... Terri, the cat, the sun, the bright orange sky, and the sailboat. In Heaven I hope I can return to that very moment with her once again. This time with the boys! I love her so much.
Mike
Saturday, February 14th, 2009
On February 14th, 1984, 25 years ago today, I proposed to Terri Radcliffe. It was the best thing I have ever done in my life. My best Friend, Jon Smith asked Terri over to his place at Central Washington University for dinner. I was already teaching in a small school on the Columbia River in a railroad town called Wishram. Wishram was approximately 2-2.5 hours from CWU located in Ellensburg, WA. I'm sure you are already ahead of me on this one. Terri knocked on the door of Jon's apartment. Of course, I answered the door instead of Jon. She was quite surprised. It was a Tuesday night and I should have been home, 130 miles away, correcting papers or something. We went out to dinner and I was extremely nervous. Terri and I had been dating for three years. I was pretty sure she loved me a fair amount. We had spoken before in "what ifs" regarding what it would be like to marry. Still, I was really, really nervous. I was 26 years old and I was certain Terri was it. Boy was I right! She was only 21, however, I was not certain that I was it in her eyes. I was able to muster up the nerve to ask and she said yes. I will never, ever forget that.
From midnight until 1:30 in the morning (so, actually on the 15th) I walked down the coast at Cannon Beach. I was completely alone. I did not see one other person the entire time. Brae and Bryson were fast asleep at the Land's End hotel with Jon and Shannon. I could not sleep. I had already been thinking about Terri most of the day. Terri and I had been to Cannon Beach dozens of times in our life together. Several with our boys, as well. It was perhaps our favorite place to be. We just loved it. I can remember walking down the beach with her in the spring, the summer, the fall, and the winter. This night she was not with me. I talked to her nonetheless. I cried a ton. I could feel her presence. I accepted her presence but it just wasn't enough. I wanted her with me. The walk was very therapeutic for me. When I returned to the hotel I kissed Brae and Bryson on the four head and went to sleep. The next morning it was beautiful. February 15th on the Oregon Coast, blue skies, slight breeze, near 60 degrees. I just wonder if Terri had anything to do with that. I purchased a Jeffrey Hull watercolor... one that Terri and I both loved. I will frame it and hang it above the headboard of our bed. I will always remember all the wonderful times we shared at Cannon Beach, our magical place. Oh yes, I will always remember the day she said yes.
Mike
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
The boys are hanging in there. Bryson listens to "Angel In Your Heart", the song Terri wrote for the boys, every night. We talk about her and remember her. We talk about what she looked like and how much she loved him and his brother. We look at her big photo on the wall. Sometimes he gets involved and wants to tell me things he remembers. Most of the time he just listens. I wish I really knew what was going on his little head. Brae is up and down. He has been doing such a great job being successful at life. His soccer play has been outstanding until a recent probable break of his elbow, wrist, or both. At school he is considered to be one of the elite students and all his teachers speak highly of him. Most of the time he is happy and going full speed ahead. Still, there are times of sadness and anger. We talk about it often and he talks with others, as well. Others who know about child grief. I love these boys so much. I feel like my love and Terri's love is all being channeled through me. It pains me to see them go through this. Obviously, I am learning slowly how to be a single parent. My fatherhood skills were probably already suspect and now I am attempting to be the better part of Terri also. I feat that I am falling way, way short.
It was about this time of the year, a dozen years ago or so. Terri and I flew from Stavanger to Amsterdam. We arrived at our quaint little pension in the evening. We unpacked and headed out for a walk. I can remember this like it happened yesterday. We walked out into the brisk night and began strolling toward Kalverstraatt hand in hand. I always loved holding Terri's hand. It made me feel in love and somehow younger. On our way it began to snow. Man, this really made the moment romantic. I can remember saying to her something about how romantic it all was... Amsterdam, the canals, some place old and yet so new to us, the snow, the mystery of what might be around the next corner. I can't begin to explain how this intense reminiscing makes me feel. I can feel her hand. I can see her face. I can hear her voice... and yet she is not here. We came upon this very narrow, cobblestone street. It was just a pathway really. Almost as if it were speaking to us, we began to make our way down the street. There were small, picturesque restaurants and pubs on both sides of the street. The snow was really coming down now. I can remember all of the old black bikes propped up everywhere against the old brick stuctures; there for anyone in the city to borrow for immediate transportation if necessary. We spotted a pub that looked terribly inviting to both of us and we decided to step in for a dark Belgian beer. We both loved dark coffee and dark beer. This small establishment was buzzing and there was nary a seat to be had. We decided to be bold and ask a young couple, slightly younger then we were, if we could join them. Their English was quite proper and we immediately knew that the two hailed from what we Americans would call the Old Country. As was always the case in these situations with Terri, she kicked up a conversation instantly with the two. Within minutes the three of them were chatting as if they had been dear friends for decades. This ability to talk with anyone at any time about any thing is a trait she inherited from her dad I think. He is the same way. People just loved being around Terri and I think it was because she was so friendly. She would always get so involved in these moments in time with strangers. I loved her for this and I remember thinking how fortunate I was to be married to someone that everyone loved, even strangers. Somehow people would like me too, I was her husband after all, so I couldn't be all bad! What an incredible evening. We talked with these two for a couple of hours about all sorts of things, American and British. It was really fun. I loved her so much that night in that pub. She was my girl and she was the life at our table. As I write this I can literally see her sitting at that table with me and the young British couple as if I were standing outside in the snow peering through the pained window. I can see her smile. I can her her giggle. I can see her beautiful, beautiful face. I miss her so much. On our way home we stopped at a small restaurant just as it was closing and convinced the owner to serve us a couple of bowls of soup. It was warm and it tasted wonderful. We walked back to the pension in the snow. We kissed goodnight and went to sleep. That is how our first trip to Amsterdam began. The rest of our stay was just as special. It was just another magical time with a magical woman.
Mike
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
I'm having a difficult time knowing what to say here. To be honest I'm nearly nonfunctional without Terri. I'm at least malfunctional. My kids suffer and, as a result, the family suffers. In addition, I'm not comfortable with this being a forum for me to vent my sadness and/or frustration and yet I often end up doing just that. Truth be told I'm not comfortable with any forum. I think I have made it clear that I love Terri more than words can possibly express. I miss her so much that contemplating a future without her seems almost impossible at times. OK... enough.
Tonight is not a good one for me so I will get back to this in the next day or two. My plan is to just talk about Terri and the happy times we had together. I will make sure that this website stays on track and remains one dedicated to the life our wonderful Terri lived. Pray for the boys, please.
Mike
Friday, December 26th, 2008
I spent most of the day thinking about Terri. December 26th is my favorite day of the year. Today, however, was different. It was different because Terri was not here. I drove Phyllis, Terri's grandmother to Seattle today. We spent most of the trip talking about Terri. Phyllis has many fond memories of Terri as do we all. On the drive back I thought about Terri the entire way. I stopped at Marlene's, a natural foods store that Terri loved. The two of us ate lunch there dozens of times and we would always stop on our way back from seeing Dr. Bentz, the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, the UW, or the Seattle Cancer Treatment and Wellness Center. Sorry... back to the 26th... The 26th, the day after Christmas. The big family parties are over. Terri and I would wake up and I would always give her a kiss on the morning of the 26th. We would lay in bed and I would talk with her and tell her how beautiful she still is and how much I love her. I would always be excited on the morning of the 26th. In fact, before our kids I was always more excited on the morning of the 26th then I was on the morning of the 25th. Of course, the 25th is a very special day because Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus. Terri and I would also revel in Brae and Bryson's excitement as they opened their gifts. On the 26th the gifts were over... except a handful still remaining under our Christmas tree. I couldn't wait for those gifts to be opened. They would be opened by Terri. We would all watch Terri open these gifts. We would then go down to her parents and watch her open more. Oh the 26th... it has always been a very special day, a very, very special day. You see, on December 26th, 1962, Terri was born. It was a very special day and we have been celebrating that day ever since. Today was different, however. Today was the 26th of December and Terri wasn't here. I woke up this December 26th and I couldn't kiss her and I couldn't hug her. I did talk to her a bunch, however, and I think she still knows just how much I love her. I hope and pray that she does. I miss her so much.
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
Brae and Bryson are doing OK. They continue to go to grief counseling every other week and I think it helps. Bryson has opened up a bit and talks about mommy a bit more. There has been more, “Dad, do you remember when mom would…” I think it is a good sign. Still, at other times, he just doesn’t want to talk about her. I know it makes him sad and he doesn’t know what to do with sad. I tell him that sad is just fine and that I am sad too. We can be sad together and it is OK for us to be sad. Just today Brae reminded me that less than a year ago mom was still picking him up at school. He commented on how he loved when mom picked him up. She was always so excited to see me he said. She always made me feel so special he added. He remembers his mom as almost always being happy. We talked about how difficult it is to always be “up” around other people and how well mommy was able to do that. We both talked about how much more difficult it must have been to be “up” all the time around other people when you have terminal lung cancer. What an amazing human being she was. At school Brae still writes about Terri every chance he gets in his creative writing class.
The Holidays without our beloved Terri… This will be a difficult time for everyone in my extended family. Terri loved this time of year, absolutely loved it. She especially enjoyed watching the boys, Brae and Bryson, experience the excitement each year. Both have birthdays in December, as did Terri. Her sister Traci and her mother Lynn were both born in December, as well. In addition, our dear friend, Jon Smith, was born on Brae’s birthday. Of course, and most importantly, the birth of Jesus is celebrated on the 25th. December was Terri’s month.
As if it were yesterday, I remember looking at Terri, she looking at me, and both of us thinking the same thing. We decided to just stay the night in Mittenwald. The train left without us and we checked in. The evening was captivating. We spent some time talking with the owner of the pension. He was intrigued with these two Americans, living in Norway, traveling through the Bavarian and Austrian Alps during the dead of winter… and neither of us skiing!
After settling in we walked to town. The little village was all lit up and it began to snow. I remember putting my arm around Terri and thinking how wonderful this was… and it was wonderful. Jagged mountains jetted toward the sky in all directions. Fresh snow was accumulating on what already appeared to be a couple of feet. Murals were painted on the Bavarian buildings. Again, much like you would see in Leavenworth, but this was the real deal. We selected a quaint little restaurant for dinner. We didn’t even look at the menus. Our waiter was a really friendly character. We asked him to bring us the most German dish the chef could possibly prepare. It was perhaps the best meal I have ever had. It was some sort of hash/casserole looking concoction full of German sausage and who knows what else. Of course it arrived with two steins full of dark Bavarian beer. I no longer drink alcohol but I can still taste that beer! Afterwards we just walked and walked all through the small little town. Most of the shops were closed but it didn’t really matter. The window shopping was even better and somehow seemed even more appropriate. We were at times hand in hand, other times arm over shoulder, in love and having a most special and unforgettable time. I can remember Terri telling me that her HS German teacher, Mr. Madden I believe, would tell them of such places in Bavaria and she would dream about them… now she was there and it was just like he described.
After church in the most charming little church we boarded the train and our special time in Mittenwald concluded. We spent time in Garmisch Partenkirchen, Innsbruck, Salzburg, and at Neuschwanstein Castle on that excursion. It was an enchanting time with an absolutely enchanting woman. Oh how I miss my sweet, sweet Terri!
Happy Holidays everybody.
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
Four months... Two weekends ago I cleaned out Terri's closet. It was one of the most difficult tasks I've ever done. For about 30 minutes I was OK, just going about my business, of course thinking about Terri with everything I picked up, however, holding it all together. Then I made an error... I held up one of Terri's sweaters to my nose, one she wore often, and inhaled deeply. It was as if chemicals in my brain instantly reacted. I could smell her, feel her, nearly fully experience her. The reaction was so instantaneous. She wasn't there though and I completely fell apart. From that moment on the remainder of the task was difficult. As is always the case in moments like this, I just wanted her back so badly. I kept some important things for the boys and myself. I gave some items to her mom and sister. Her cousin grabbed a couple of garments, as well. The rest went to the Goodwill and a local Mary Bridge thrift shop. I recently spent a birthday without the physical presence of Terri... the first in a quarter century. The boys spent the night at their cousin's house. I lit candles around a painting I have of Terri hanging in the living room and started a fire in the woodstove. She loved having a fire burning in the stove. I sat by myself and just tried to feel her presence for several hours. It made me happy and sad all at the same time.
Brae gets angry at times. More so than he ever did when Terri was still with us. I recently talked to him about this. I explained that loosing a mom at his age is one of the toughest things any child could ever go through and really as difficult as anything even an adult will ever go through. It is natural to be mad, to be angry. What makes this anger unique is the fact that there is no one to be angry at. There is no one to blame. We cannot blame God. We cannot blame mom. We cannot blame our family. We cannot blame the doctors. The anger has to come out nonetheless... and it does. Often the anger surfaces when we least expect it or when it seems inappropriate and we can't seem to control it. We talked about ways to deal with the anger. I told him that with time the anger and sadness will let up. I think he felt better.
Bryson and I were talking about how much mommy loved Halloween the night of Halloween. He told me that mommy is probably trick-or treating in Heaven. I confirmed his belief and asked him what he thought she "went as". He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "A SPIRIT!"
The Holidays are approaching. Pray for my boys. Terri and I both want the season to still be special for the two of them. Of course, it will never be the same.
Mike
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
It has been three months today. Brae had a soccer match in Vancouver. Bryson was with grandma Lynn. during the drive to the match, as usual, Brae and I spent time, talking about his mom, my beautiful Terri. We stopped by the cemetery to leave flowers. It was difficult for me to stand there watching Brae "talking" to his mom. I just wonder what is going on in his mind.
I was telling Brae about how much I missed Terri during the week when I was teaching at Wishram and she was at Oregon State University back in the early 80s. I told him that by the end of each week I just couldn't wait to see Terri. The second I got out of school on Friday I would put a quart of oil in my 1968 Chevy truck and head to Corvallis to see her. All I could think about was holding her, hugging her, kissing her... just being with her. I had a void inside me that only she could fill. Nothing seemed nearly as important. Now, 25 years later, I feel exactly the same. At the same time the scenario is completely different. I cannot jump in my car and drive to see her. Not today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or anytime during my remaining years. If there are any husbands reading this I want you to remember a time when you just could not wait to see your girl... you just wanted to see her so bad. Get back in that moment. Now, imagine not ever being able to do so... ever.. during your time on earth. Never, never, take the relationship you have with your wife for granted. If for some reason she is not around tomorrow I guarantee it will hurt like nothing else you can imagine.
Pray for my boys. I thank God they are with me. There is a big part of Terri in each one of them.
Mike
Thursday, September 4th, 2008
It has now been two months and I'm still heart broken. I do know that the boys are grieving in a healthy way and that is what Terri wanted. She told me to not try and fix everything and make it "all better". She knew that the boys would have to go through the entire process. The three of us went to Discoveries last night for the last time. Discoveries is a program for families with a terminally ill member. Now that Terri has died our family would move to the Bridges program designed for families who have lost a loved one. Both programs are through Mary Bridge. It was good for the boys to say goodbye to those they knew at Discoveries and equally good for the kids still there to see Brae and Bryson getting along OK after the death of their mother.
Yesterday, on the way to school, Brae asked if he could listen to Angel In Your Heart, a song written by Terri for the boys. A song she had produced and recorded by a professional musician. A song which was heard for the first time at her memorial service. There he was, on his way to the first day of school, crying his eyes out. I told Brae that mommy wrote the song so that each time he listened to it he would feel her in his heart. The song was doing just that. I also told him that over time the tears would slowly transform into fond memories, memories he would recall each time he listened to the song also placing her again right in the center of his heart. He really misses his mom. Bryson had a great first day at school and is still reminding me of... remember when mommy...
I just miss her so much!
Mike
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
Today was the first day back for teachers. After our morning meetings I entered my classroom to get some work done. While shuffling through some papers on my desk I came upon an article written in the Gig Harbor Gateway about Terri The Survivor. There was her beautiful face staring back at me and I completely fell apart. I sat in the middle of my classroom and cried for an hour staring at the full page article. Later in the day I ran into the teacher Terri student taught under and she gave me a big hug. I nearly lost it again. I have had a number of these episodes alone and with close friends. She is on my mind continually and I seem to miss her more and more as each and every day goes by.
Brae has had similar moments and we talk. I tell him that his mom is still with us just in another realm. I tell him that she loves him very much and that she is with him all the time. Brae is playing soccer and spending time with his friends. School will be starting next week and the routine will probably do him good. While in the pool last night Bryson's great mother Phyllis and I were talking about the Holidays for some reason. I told Bryson that mommy will probably figure out some way to get a gift or two to him. Bryson was just sure that there are toys in Heaven because Heaven has everything and mommy is there so she will probably figure out something. He often reminds me of... dad, remember when mommy was still here and she did this or that... wasn't that cool? It makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I had no idea just how much I loved Terri. Kiss your wife, husband, or child tonight... you might not realize just how much you love them either. Believe me, it is very hard when you truly find out. I would do anything to have Terri back in my arms for just one second.
Mike
Monday, August 4th, 2008
It has been one month now and everyday is hard. Terri and I were inseparable for 27 years. In fact, it felt as though we were one person, sometimes known as Mike and Terri and other times as Terri and Mike. Now she is gone. Somehow Mike just doesn't sound right. I just have a tough time with that and I'm sure I will for quite some time... probably the rest of my life.
Brae and Bryson are doing OK. There are times when each of them struggles with the loss of their mom in their own unique way. When I see one of them crying because mom is gone it breaks my heart. It makes me realize, however, that I have a great purpose in life. Without the boys I would be a complete mess. The boys were Terri's greatest love and I will honor that forever. Of course, they are my greatest love also.
I continue to be grateful for everyone's help and support. Everyday I receive mail and/or email from people who were touched by Terri's loving and caring personality. I'm so lucky to have been her husband for a quarter century. Jon and Shannon continue to help, probably wondering if it does any good. It does. Steph and the salmon crew are always there. Angie and Tane are there for us. Mike and Lorraine have us over for dinner what looks to be on a once a week schedule. Todd, Missy, and the Harbor FC club take care of Brae's soccer needs, Jake and Todd continue to answer my financial and legal questions, Quigg calls from Virginia. Quigg is close to God so I certainly value his friendship and help. Former and current students of mine write frequently. Former colleagues of mine stay in touch. My family in Yakima are all so helpful. Phyllis would do anything for us. Trace and the cousins are like a second immediate family to the boys. Obviously, Phil and Lynn, along with Howard and Betty in Yakima, continue to be rocks in Brae and Bryson's lives... and the list goes on.
Terri loved all of you for so many years. She continues to love all of you today. One month... I would give anything to have her back.
Mike
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
Terri's memorial service went well. It was very uplifting to me and my boys to see so many people there. I want to thank everyone who came and all of you who gave us flowers, cards, and monetary donations. It is just unbelievable how loving you all have been. Terri was such a giving person. She would be so moved by everyone's generosity. I just cannot thank you enough.
A special thanks goes out to all who helped make the service so special; Fr. Vogel, Stephanie, Traci, Meghan, Bob, Phil and Lynn, Jon and Shannon, Angie and Tane, Francyl, and the whole crew at St. Nicks.
I'm having a bit of a difficult time. It is hard for me knowing that I will not hear her voice, hug her, hold her hand, rub her cheek, sleep with her, watch her play with the boys, travel with her, share a romantic meal with her... for a long time. I just miss her so much.
Mike
Friday, July 4th, 2008
Terri died in my arms on July 4th at 3:08 AM in our living room. Her mother Lynn and her mother-in-law Betty Hunziker were with me, as well. I will miss her forever.
Mike
Saturday, June 21st, 2008
This is from Mike - Terri is at home and comfortable. She has stopped all treatment and is currently under the care of Hospice with Dr. Senecal, as well. She is pain free. She is on oxygen 24 hours a day and her breathing is labored. She is weak and not moving around much. She has a difficult time with her thoughts. She has declined significantly since her June 7th entry. Still, she remains remarkable. My wife is just an incredible woman. I love her very much as I know all who visit her website do.
As I finish this up she lays peacefully on a bed in our living room resting after getting the most out of her day. She is so beautiful.
Thanks for all the help.
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
Dr. Martins called last night from the U of WA. He had talked to Dr. Senecal about the CT chest scan I got while at St. Joe's on Tuesday and as predicted, there is progression. Both doctors think it's time to stop treatment and request Hospice. I will meet with Dr. Martins on Monday to chat more about it all. One blip of good news is that the blood clot in my heart is no longer visible. Hospice will meet with us again tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
On Monday, I went to get my treatment. Each time I go, I tell myself that I will do it only one more time. I'm not noticing any improvement and am unable to do much of anything. Before giving me the drug they took my stats and labs and results came back with low Potassium, racing heart, high blood pressure, high glucose, and high white blood cells (likely due to steroids). They gave me a 2 hour fluid drip before giving me the drug hoping that would help balance things out.
One piece of good news is that the blood clot in my heart appears to be gone.
Yesterday, I woke up but could barely lift my head up. Heart was racing and I felt horrible. We contacted Dr. Senecal and he told us to call 911 so off I went in the ambulance to spend the day in the hospital. Didn't even get to speed or use sirens but I guess that's a good sign. Hopefully I will be able to get some more info and once again try to determine whether to continue when I go into tomorrow for get another treatment.
I am noticing that the drug interferes with my ability to type and read so if it looks like my IQ has decreased that may be the case! Something isn't quite right.
Thursday, May 22nd
I decided to get treatment yesterday. Had I not, I would have been dropped from the trial. The protocol calls for two weeks on (treatment on Mon and Thurs) and then one week off. So I now get to wait until next Monday, June 2nd for my next treatment. This will give me over a week to maybe evaluate whether I think it is helping and to decide whether to continue. The side effects are worse than I was expecting. Extreme fatigue, achy bones and muscles, increased shortness of breath, no appetite.
Dr. Senecal visited on Wed evening to discuss things. He thought getting the treatment the next day was reasonable but also thinks that unless there are significant improvements from this drug, it is time for Hospice Care. There are really no other good options and I'm probably too ill too try any others anyway. Hospice will come out next Wednesday to discuss their services.
Monday, May 19th
Yesterday, I went for my 3rd infusion. I was not feeling well and my breathing and coughing had continued to worsen over the past week. After getting labs and meeting with the nurse practitioner I headed to the 5th floor for the infusion at 11:00. I sat on the bed and then told them I wasn't sure I wanted to get the drug. I don't think it is helping. Karen, the nurse, asked if I wanted to talk to Dr. Martins (my doc there and head of the trial). I said sure. She paged him but found out that he was at the U of W medical campus, about a 15 min drive from the SCCA in downtown Seattle where I was. He would be in a meeting until 1:00 but would then call me. I decided to take a nap but about 30 min later I was awakened by Dr. Martins himself! He must have left the meeting early to drive down to see me in person. He talked to me for about 45 min and then had to rush back for his appointments.
Because this drug is experimental, many of my questions could not be answered. He did tell me that it's looking as though the best case scenario with this drug is stability, not tumor shrinkage. I went over 3 years being stable so that can be fine if you're at a place where you don't mind being stable. However being stable where I'm at right now isn't appealing. I decided to not get treatment and think about whether to continue on the trial.
Tuesday, May 13th
Yesterday was a long and tiring day starting off at 7 AM with blood
draws. I think they took about 8 syringes of blood. One thing about
being on a trial is that the patients are very closely monitored. After
all nobody really knows what the drug might do. I then had an
appointment with Dr. Martins for a final checkup before getting the
drug.
From there I had to to to a "chemo lesson". I volunteered to teach it
but they insisted on taking me through the course as is required. At
about noon I headed to the 5th floor for the infusion. They gave me a
glucose monitor so that I can monitor my blood glucose daily as this
drug can cause elevated levels. The infusion was then started. Blood was
drawn and tested about every 45 minutes. At the end they wanted to
measure how much urine my kidneys produced which was no big deal. The
surprise came when it turned up to be bright purple! "Oh, we forgot to
tell you about that", the nurse said. Just another day in the life of a
guinea pig.
This morning I went back for more blood draws but am now home. I'm not
feeling very well, tired, headaches, and an overall rather yucky
feeling. Doesn't make me too excited about going back for infusion #2 on
Thursday. However, if we do get the anticipated 80 degree day, that
alone might make it easier to tolerate.
Wednesday, May 7th
THANK YOU!
A huge heartfelt thank you to all who attended the fundraiser for me
last night! What an incredible event it was. Over 250
people showed up to support me and my family. Your compassion and
generosity has deeply touched us and there are no words to convey our
appreciation. Thank you to my awesome cousin, Angie Cabe, for making it
happen and a special thank you to Dr. Senecal for surprising me by being
there and saying a few words.
On Monday at 7:00 AM I will start the trial drug IPI-504 at the Seattle
Cancer Care Alliance.
Wednesday, April 29th
I spent all day yesterday at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and the Univ. of WA Medical Center. (The Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research, Harborview Medical Center, The University of Washington Medical Center, and Children's Hospital are all part of Univ. of WA Medicine).
In order to be accepted into the trial there I need to complete a series of scans, blood tests, heart tests and an eye exam. The trial also requires a tissue sample so that they can test to see if my cancer cells have a mutation of receptor cells called EGFR (epidermal growth factor receptor). Besides looking at the efficacy of this drug, this trial will look to see if patients with the EGFR mutation respond to the drug better than those without it. Since I responded to two different EGFR drugs in the past it is thought that I probably do have the mutation. I went on one of these drugs before the test was even available and since I responded there was really no need to get the test once it became available. Now patients are usually tested first to see if they are a good candidate for one of these targeted drugs (primarily Tarceva).
I found out today that they have enough tissue from my original biopsy of the shoulder in 11/2003 so I do not need another one. That was good news as I was not looking forward to them punching a hole between my ribs into the lung to gather the tissue, especially knowing there is a risk of a lung collapsing. I didn't get out of there until about 5:30 so it was a long and tiring day.
Today I went back for a brain MRI as they want to make sure that I have no active brain mets (cancer spread to brain). If so, I would not be eligible for the trial. They also want a baseline. For some reason, after my Gamma Knife Treatment, I get severe pressure in my head if I lie flat on my back for an period of time. A brain MRI takes about 30 minutes of holding still flat on my back inside the MRI tube. My last one was in March and I barely made it through. I knew today was going to be a challenge so I took two Hydrocodone and a Tylenol beforehand. Even with the heavy duty pain killers though I was only able to go about 10 minutes and then flunked out. The research nurse called Infinity, the drug company, to see what should be done. Surprisingly they agreed to waive the requirement. I will need to get one soon though as a follow up to the gamma knife so I'll need to figure out something, but at least I think the trial is a go.
I'm set to get my first infusion on May 12th. I will go to the SCCA twice a week for the infusion with one cycle being 2 weeks on and then one week off. If I respond, I will continue until failure or side effects are too bad.
After two weeks of refusing to go on steroids to possibly help my breathing, I gave in today and swallowed a yellow Prednisone tablet. I do not like them on a hill, I do not like them in a pill, I do not like them I do not, I do not like them in a shot, I do not like them with a Peep, I do not like them because I can't sleep! I guess you get to a point where breathing takes priority over sleep, but for me it took awhile to get there. Hopefully, I will see some improvement in my breathing.
Monday, April 21st (Edited April 25th)
I met with Dr. Martins, head of thoracic oncology at the U of WA. The
drug company agreed to let me have a 3 week washout period rather than 4
so I will start the drug in 3 weeks if I am still healthy enough to get
it.
This is a phase II trial (There are typically at least 3 phases before a
drug is approved). The small phase I enrolled 5 patients to
determine best dose and safety. This phase II has only enrolled about 10
patients nationwide so there is little to no data to look at. Even with
all that said, he thinks this is probably my best option.
The drug is referred to as IPI 504 (typical trial drug name) and is a
targeted agent, not a systemic chemo drug. For any of you who want the
scientific description, it is a novel small molecule inhibitor of heat
shock protein 90 (Hsp90), a recently identified target for cancer
treatment.
The treatment involves an infusion twice a week in Seattle and if I
respond would continue until failure or side effects are too extreme.
Sunday, April 20th
I saw Dr. Senecal on Thursday. He had not seen me for 3 weeks and it was
quite evident that my breathing was significantly worse. We decided to
stop the chemo, Gemzar.
I have been in the process of pursuing a trial at the University of
Washington however, it requires a 30 day washout period (no drugs). Dr.
Senecal does not think I can wait 30 days so we are hoping to get a
waiver and be able to start sooner. The U is waiting to hear back from
the drug company. I meet tomorrow with the lung cancer specialist at the
U of W and should know more then.
If I cannot get on the trial soon, I will likely go back on the chemo,
Taxol, to see if I can get a few more miles out of that. Other than
coughing and shortness of breath I have no other significant complaints.
